Episode 14 “I’m not sure I understand what you’re suggesting,” the Boss said.
“I’m not suggesting anything,” I said. “It’s part of your contract.”
“Yes, but I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Well, it’s pretty simple. When you signed up, you agreed to work for the Company in a reasonable capacity. The Company has determined that ‘reasonable ability’ will now be the time it takes to achieve a digital likeness of your workplace presence.”
“Yes, but what does that mean?”
“That means they’re going to replace you with a robot,” I said.
“If you’re lucky,” adds the PFY.
“How lucky would that be?”
“If you’re not lucky, you’ll just be a disembodied head on a screen.”
“They can’t do that!”
“Of course they can, it’s in your contract. All they want is to record a series of your standard workplace actions along with the things you say – and the way you say them – so they can program a ‘digital you’ to do them.”
“It’s ridiculous!” the Boss simpers.
“I agree,” confirms the PFY. “Who wants to see a computer scratching its ass, picking its nose and saying, ‘What?’ again and again?”
“What?”
“I rest my case”, intervenes the PFY.
“I’ll talk to my lawyer!” the Boss cracks.
“You could – only you would use the company’s attorney for that.”
” I will not do it ! »
“Of course you would. You agreed to that in your contract.”
“What?”
“In your contract – you agreed to be represented by the company’s appointed attorney in actions involving the company.”
“It was only where the Company could be prosecuted!”
“Didn’t you just imply that you were going to sue the Company?”
“Yes, but the same person cannot represent both people.”
“The same person will not. Our attorney will represent us, and you will be represented by a digital likeness of our attorney.”
“It’s the same thing!” the Boss cracks.
“No, it’s not. The digital version scratches its ass and picks its nose.”
“They can’t do that.”
“Of course they can. But look on the bright side: they enforce the policy of the company you were defending!”
“What was that?”
“The Company’s policy becoming more carbon neutral.”
“What?”
“You said society should make it a priority to become more carbon neutral.”
“OK, but what does that have to do with them turning me into a robot?”
“If you’re lucky,” adds the PFY again.
“Well, the company’s AI looked at you, looked at how much carbon you use every day to get to and from work, how much carbon is embodied in having a desk and furniture, how much carbon is involved in making your lunch at the cafe, and determined that you’re a carbon liability to the company. They can get carbon credits by replacing you with a robot.”
“If you’re lucky.”
“It’s absurd !”
“You should have seen the AI’s decision chain when it determined how much carbon credit it could make by stopping you producing carbon dioxide in the future,” PFY mentions.
“It’s ridiculous. People only stop doing that when they’re d–”
“Suffice it to say, I would avoid automated gates for now,” says the PFY. “We may not have completely ironed out that logic.”
“But surely the AI didn’t need to start with me. There must be people who are more of a burden.”
“You mean like Big Dave from Security?” I ask.
“I’m not sure w–”
“Five years and 30kg ago, he was just Dave from security. And you know how people are made of carbon?”
“I …”
“Dave is a carbon sequestration engine. He works very little so his CO2 yield is minimal. If we put it in an office full of indoor plants, it would be carbon neutral…”
“You have to think like the AI,” says the PFY. “You just have to know how he makes decisions and be one step ahead.”
“Then I should gain 30 kg and do nothing.”
“I think just put the 30kg on – you have the rest covered,” the PFY replied. “But it won’t work because Big Dave is already doing it. You have to outdo his efforts.”
“Meaning?”
“Well, you would need to put on 30kg – but on a plant-based diet, because of all the carbon that goes into meat production. If you could grow your own potatoes on the roof – because locally produced food has fewer carbon miles than food shipped from elsewhere – you’d be head and shoulders above Big Dave.”
” But meanwhile ?
“Stick to fries and vegan lasagna with coffee. Carbohydrate loading means carbon sequestration.
…
“When should we tell him the email was only about HR scanning his personnel file?”
“How about 20 kg from now on?
